May 18

"The most courageous act is to still think for yourself. Aloud." - Coco Chanel

I just feel so lonely right now. Not as worse as last week but I still experience a deep feeling of emptiness. I wish I can play my violin right now but it is already midnight and I might wake up the neighbors with my awful playing. It’s been months since I last took a lesson because I cannot anymore pay my teacher due to me not earning enough money as of the moment.

I have a confession to make. I like the girl who invited me to prom when I was still a senior. She was cute and she had a black hair that reaches her shoulders. She was pissed when I said I was too cool for prom. Her face literally was filled with regret after she heard my voice. I remember my friends asking me why I wouldn’t go. It’s because I am afraid. I am afraid that the girl just invited me because she had no partner and is there a girl who would like to miss one of the best days of her life? But don’t worry she did end up with someone.

Yeah, I am always too cool. I recall someone I knew in college say to me that I am the coolest person on earth. Oh Frances, why do you always have to act all cool and shit? All calm and always in control. Why can’t you say to someone that you totally regret half of the decisions you made in your life? You smile all the time when they give you shit, when they give you all these bullcrap that is totally not true. Yet you cry when you are alone in the bathroom and in your bedroom. You gave speeches of advice and inspiration even though you’re life is totally fucked up. Stop acting and show me your true emotions!

They are still friends. My high school friends and their dates during our senior prom, they are still friends even though its six years ago. I hope I had made the right decision then. Oh why do I hate myself so much?